When a friend loses someone I often say that I hope the memories that they shared with their loved one will be a source of comfort, but it can be more complicated than that. My grandma passed away last night. She was a tough woman. She rescued squirrels when they were hurt and nursed them to health, but also hit my father when he was a kid and once remarked to me that I looked fat. This was after I had spent years struggling with bulimia and was trying to get healthy.
She was never very warm. She seemed to be able to show affection to animals, but not the people around her. I remember she thought discipline meant telling us she had a bear in her basement and that if we were not good, then we would have to go to the basement. But she also took us to the State Fair each year. We would ride all day and eat cotton candy and she would let us pick out a prize. For the longest time, I still had these fantastic, tacky dolphin earrings from a trip to the Fair in junior high.
She came to every grandparent day at school and was at the concerts and graduations when I was a kid and yet I can’t pretend that her being gone will impact my life that much. Her views made it tough to have much of a relationship as an adult. When I came out to her she responded with Bible verses and the hope that I would change. I did not invite her to our wedding and as the years went by I saw her less and less. We sent pictures, but did not get together often. She only met my kids a couple of times.