Description: Andrew Kos
Of course this is a pre-COVID work of fiction. Everything here is complete fiction. I dreamed it up in a totally context-less void and any similarities are coincidental. Please don't sue me.
Welcome to Brainmatter! Here is our beautiful office which will be your home now because we're a replacement for your family. We're all NoBrainers here together. We eat together, we sleep together, we cry together, and we worship our immaculate CEO together (he's just like one of us). Look, we get the jokes about working for a startup cause we've all seen Silicon Valley! Haha!
Oookay, let's go this way past the local art pieces that cost more than your yearly salary and the diversity mural that help us forget the horrible things our customers are doing! Still worried about our customers? Well our rotating selections of beers on tap, free coffee, snacks, and kombucha will help ease that existential anxiety. You might ask, "Why are we helping white supremacists with our platform?", but remember your coworkers are your friends and the CEO is just one of us, so you wouldn't want to l